Thursday, August 19, 2010

Haunted Houses

I won't go to haunted houses.
I'm sure you think this is ridiculous. It probably is.
Or maybe you're thinking, oh I bet she means a real haunted house, one with ghosties.


I mean the ones you have to wait in line for and everyone gets SO excited about.

Here's the thing, I can't process things like a normal person. I try. Really! I give myself little speeches.
"It's okay go to a haunted house with all your friends, it'll be so fun. You'll be safe with them, they're your friends. They love it so much, why can't you just calm down and go?"

But I always end up chickening out. It's not even the acutal haunted house that scares me.
One day I had the sudden realization that a haunted house would be the best place to murder someone.

Think about it. Everyone is already screaming, so your victim's reaction would just be part of that.
You could pick someone off if they fall behind their group.

No one will be disturbed by your choice of murdering garb, either you are an employee or you just LOVE Halloween.

When you're done with your vigorous murdering, you can set the body up like it's part of the haunted house.

The haunted house clientele will be scared by it and scream, then giggle because they assume it is all part of the display.

Then you can join up with another group as they travel through and slip out unnoticed.

(Note: This is in no way meant to be a "How to Murder Someone" instruction manual. Please do not murder someone based on this blog.)

This haunted house fear has been something I have had for YEARS.

Then a few years ago, it really happened.
(I tried to find the news article to link, but google searching 'haunted house murder' just pulls up old-timey stories about ghosts and murder mystery dinner theaters. If someone finds the article, please post a link here in the comment section.)

Now I will never, EVER go to a haunted house. Ever.

I couldn't even make myself go into the children's haunted house at a family-friendly pumpkin farm.

I got about 4 steps in and then noticed the person at the front desk area had several tv's in front of him.
The tv's showed all of the displays that the haunted house offered and the people walking through them.

I passed his desk and turned the corner into darkness.
It then occured to me that if the security guard wanted to orchestrate a murder, he could sit there and watch on the tv's.

I turned around and bolted out of there as quickly as possible.

As I passed his desk, I pretended to be on a phone call so that he would think that was why I left and that I was normal and NOT an adult woman who was scared of the stupid little haunted house for 4 year olds.

I'm sure the cameras showed him the truth...

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