Friday, October 8, 2010

I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant (the show)

Did you know there is a reality, re-enactment style show on cable called 'I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant?
Well, there definitely is.

It is the most horrifying show on television.

On the show, different women relate the stories of not knowing they were pregnant and then suddenly giving birth. They are not all overweight, like so many urban legends would have us believe. 

They become pregnant and have absolutely no symptoms - no weight gain, they still have their periods, etc. Then one day they are in horrible pain and a baby falls out of them.

This scenario is pretty high on my list of the most scary, most awful things ever.

First of all, pregnancy in general upsets me.
The idea of something living and growing inside me, eating my food and making me crazy is not appealing. It just reminds me of Aliens.

Then one day it bursts out of you, destroying all sorts of you inner lady parts.

Some women have to have stitches after. Guess where I don't want stitches?

I'm sure you're thinking, alright maybe that part is awful, but afterwards you get to have a baby!
You can hold it and squeeze it and teach it things for the next 18 years!

Sure, that's one scenario.
It's far more likely that your child will be several awful things as it approaches adulthood.

At first it will be a baby, that screams and cries and steals your sleep.

In its toddler years it will still scream and cry, but now it can RUN.

Around the ages of 9-12 it will be a ball of awkward energy. Talking too loud in public and becoming overly emotional at every turn.

Then from 13-18 it will be some variety of teenage mess, most likely resenting and avoiding you. It probably does secret drugs and has secret rendezvous with other teenage messes, secretly.

Maybe by the time it's done with college it will have decided it doesn't hate you, that you didn't screw it up that badly and you can go on about your lives as adults.

Or maybe it will be some sort of depraved, sex maniac serial killer that you have to bail out of jail on a regular basis. It will use guilt from childhood to make you let it sleep on your couch.

So you can imagine my horror at the thought of one of these things hanging out in my uterus WITHOUT ME EVEN KNOWING.  And it happens to enough women that they can base a whole show around it??

I had to stop watching that show, but that doesn't mean I stopped thinking about this life-ruining scenario and all the horror that it would bring. 

...can you tell I don't want kids?

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